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Thursday, July 20, 2006

What's up Doc?

Okay, so enough was enough. Last week I went to the allergy doctor. I live with chronic allergies. Let me describe a typical day for you. I wake up at 4:45 AM, yes there is a 4:45 AM, promise. I can breath through a single nostril; the other is clogged, not from substance, just clogged. I blow my nose and get as much out as possible. This of course releases the flood gates, the magical barrier that keeps my nose from running all day. I live in a house with three cats, about two and a half tons of dust (loose estimate), and live near, and work in, Houston, a city full of molds, pollens, and pollution. Once the flood gates are opened, there is no stopping the flow. I blow my nose all day, but it never stops. Oh, I might get 15 minutes here or there without it running, but the beauty of it: when my nose is not running, it is itching like someone took a pipe cleaner wrapped with poison ivy and routed my nostrils with a righteous frenzy. The itch invariably brings sneezing, which again opens the passages to more running and the process starts all over! This is no way to live, if it can even be called that.

Meet Dusty the dust mite. He hates me.


Last week allergy man prescribed a few drugs to help. Now you should know this about me: I despise taking drugs. I don’t even like taking pain relievers for a headache. I avoid caffeine unless I need the energy boost in the morning (rarely). The body was designed to function without the need of all these drugs, and I am content to allow it to do so on most occasions. Now, after being on his drugs for a week, I am conflicted! The improvement has been drastic. I can breath through both nostrils, though it may sound trivial to you blessed folk without allergies, this is a major relief. My nose doesn't run or itch, at all anymore. So, what do I do? Continue with drugs, whose long term side effects are unknown, possibly doing irrevocable damage to myself, or enjoy the benefits of a normal life? What a quandary!

So I’m laying on the table at the doctors office, my back has been pricked with about 55 allergens to test for reaction. The nurse comes in about ten minutes after pricking me repeatedly (that was unpleasant) and says,

“So, how do you fee..Wow…”

“Wow what? Is that good or bad.”

“Oh, you’re definitely allergic to some stuff.”

“What, like everything?”

“Let’s just say that you’re special. Hear, let me wipe some of this off to reduce the reaction.”

Exit nurse. Muffled talking outside. Enter another nurse.

“Ah, you want to look too?”

“Yeah, she said you were really reactin… wow, you are.”

“Yes, yes, all the folk want to see the freak! You should charge admission,” laughing.

Exit nurse, enter doctor.

“Okay doc, how long do I have?”

“The verdict is in… you are allergic to… well, everything.”

“Told you.”

“Specifically: cats, dogs, dust, trees (yes all of them). You have three cats?”

“Yes.”

“You need to run away from that house as fast as you can! And don’t get me started on grass. Grasses... well, they hate you. Lets see, there are about twelve grasses we tested for and you’re allergic to... all of them. And not just allergic. I can’t even measure the allergic reaction because they are all blending in together.”

I looked in the mirror and it looked like I had been beaten with a Chinese cane for stealing bread. Two red stripes decorated my back with welts along the interior. Beautiful! I felt special.

“If you ever have kids I hope the mother doesn’t have allergies. If she does, I pity those children, because they're screwed.”

He prescribed even more meds to help me out. He temporarily put me on a steroid and warned me it might have the following side effects: increased hair growth, insomnia, increased appetite and weight gain, irritibility, and trouble concentrating.

“Hey doc, it sounds like I’m already taking those!”

2 Comments:

Blogger Rachel said...

Nice Mike. Kevin is the same way. We did a study where they pricked us with a bunch of stuff and Kevin was allergic to all of them. Luckly for little Eli I wasn't allergic to any of them.

7/21/2006 2:11 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Yes when they did the pricking on me, they did it on my forearm. there were 12 pricks, and my ENTIRE forearm was a giant red welt. The only thing they said I wasn't allergic to was cedar. And thank God since we live here in cedarville SA.

7/21/2006 8:27 PM  

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